What drives me nuts about you, dear Americans

Something different today: this is my rant about the USA. Because everywhere I've travelled in this world, it was always the travelling Americans who complained the most about the country they were in. Yes, that's you, dear Americans. I wrote this mainly for you, so you can experience firsthand what it's like when a foreigner complains about your country. Of course I'm doing it in a light-hearted, not an aggressive way, and as someone who lived in the USA for many years himself.

Let me point out that there are, of course, plenty of things about America I genuinely love. But there were also too many things that got on my nerves, and I just need to vent about them.

I have no interest in moaning about foreign policy or the economy. This is purely about my frustrations with everyday life in the USA. The United States is a huge country and it's impossible to generalize about all of its roughly 342 million people, but the points below are simply my observations after many years there.

1Americans are far too sensitive

Sometimes I wonder whether political correctness is written into your Constitution. On my very first visit I quickly found out that I had to watch my tongue almost all the time, and (even more annoying) that nobody was straight with me.

It feels as if speaking your mind is a huge taboo. You can't just tell a friend he's screwed up. Nobody tells you that you look like you could lose a few pounds (in a kind and supportive way, of course). And there are far too many euphemisms to dodge the bitter truth.

To a point I get it: on the whole, the USA does a great job of stopping people from discriminating against ethnic minorities and of toning down hate speech. But on a personal level, it waters everything down far too much.

Many Americans I met feel very lonely, and I think this is a big reason why. You may never find a partner if a buddy who knows you well and supposedly cares about you won't give you the hard facts and tell you why you're so damn annoying... so you can finally change it! Insulting someone for no reason is pointless aggression, sure, but constructive criticism is exactly what friends are for.

2Everything is "awesome"!

I truly hate the word "awesome". It used to mean "terrifying" or "venerable" ("awe" is a mix of reverence and fear), but in the States it means... absolutely nothing! It doesn't even mean "good". It's just a filler word like "um", "well" or "so".

It is THE quintessential cliché American word. And I heard it constantly, until my ears started to bleed. So many over-the-top positive adjectives get thrown around that in the end they lose all meaning.

And when you ask someone "How are you?", the answer will always be "Great!" or "Awesome!", even when that couldn't be further from the truth.

Once you start using such aggressive positivity, it dilutes the meaning and these words end up neutral. So what do you do when you need to express real positivity? And of course, when someone says "Eh, it's okay", it means they're having an absolutely miserable time! I don't think the word "bad" is even in the American vocabulary. The worst part is that this is now slowly creeping into English everywhere in the world, and I hate it!

3A smile means NOTHING

When I meet Americans abroad, one of their biggest complaints goes something like "Nobody smiles on the trams in Prague!" or "The waitress was so rude! She didn't even smile!"

Dammit, America! What bugs me about you is the exact opposite: you smile far too much! It really gets on my nerves! How am I supposed to know if someone actually means it? And why on earth would a stranger on the tram doing a crossword want to sit there grinning to himself like an idiot?

When Europeans smile, it actually means something. Because the Germans, for example, don't walk around everywhere like they're in an American toothpaste ad, their smiles lit up the whole room when I was out with them. You knew it really meant something, and you couldn't help smiling back. Maybe you'd told a joke or a funny story, or someone was in love, and so on.

But you don't need that every single moment! If you smile in public all the time, it loses all meaning. Smiling supposedly releases endorphins, but if your face wears that expression constantly, the dream of a natural high soon fades. I'd rather work on improving my own life so I have something to smile about, instead of fooling myself and everyone around me.

Even though I sound a bit grumpy in this article (complaining is the whole point, after all), the fact that I speak my mind means you also know this: when I look happy, I really am. And that happens a lot :) Just not all the time!

4Tipping

You may see it as a perk, but it drove me up the wall to be interrupted by the server every three minutes and asked whether everything was okay. I had to fake a smile (it's the American way, after all, see above!) and give a thumbs-up so they'd leave me alone, because my mouth was always full. I honestly don't see the point. If you'd served me the wrong order and I suddenly realized I was dying of an allergic reaction to your food, you'd notice long before those three minutes were up.

That's exactly why eating out is always an annoying experience for me. In the rest of the world you can simply call the server over when you need something. If it were genuine interest, or if the person just wanted to be friendly, that would be perfectly fine, but it isn't. It's really just a string of subtle reminders that this person wants a tip from me.

It drove me crazy. I truly think tips as the main way of earning a living are ridiculous. If I have to pay anyway, put it on the damn bill! It's not a bloody tip if it's mandatory!!!

One complaint I hear now and then is how rude the service is elsewhere, and Americans claim it's because the staff don't get tips. Instead of tips, waiters simply earn a salary like everyone else and do their job. And if they do it badly enough, they get fired. But apparently if you don't grin at the customer nonstop like a champion, that counts as "rude".

I think the basic idea of tipping is all well and good, but every explanation I've heard for mandatory tipping falls apart once you discuss it. You can describe servers as hard workers who deserve those tips and need more than minimum wage... but what about teachers and nurses? Why don't they get tips? Why not tip everyone you deal with in any way, like bus drivers, or why not just leave a little tip in the trash can for the garbage collector? It's inconsistent, and waiters, hairdressers and taxi drivers should simply charge us what we actually have to pay.

Some have ridiculously claimed that it keeps things cheaper because the restaurant doesn't charge more, but you pay the difference anyway. What it all adds up to, though, is crystal clear:

5Fake prices everywhere

Tipping is just the tip of the iceberg. It's all one giant marketing con designed to make customers think they're paying less. The price on the menu is nothing like what you actually pay. On top of the tip, there's tax as well, of course.

Taxes are a fact of life, of course: without them, governments everywhere in the world wouldn't work. So why hide them from us? It's beyond me that stores refuse to include tax in their prices. The price they put up is basically useless. All it says is "This is how much we get for what you're buying, but you actually have to pay more."

But I couldn't care less how much YOU make. I want to know how much I have to pay! How much money... do I have to... give you? Do I really need to spell it out for you?

The most ridiculous of all are the so-called "dollar stores". If I have exactly one dollar, the dollar store turns me away. It's one dollar that they make, not what I pay. Are you following? The only thing that counts is the store's perspective.

I was told it's because taxes differ in every state (and sometimes by county??). I shed a tear for the poor giant corporations selling devices across different states, who are apparently incapable of asking their local stores or regional managers, given a set tax rate, to do their own tax math and print labels with that rate for their millions of customers, just because it would cause the corporation a tiny bit of inconvenience.

Here we have the exact same product, sold in lots of different European countries (often in the same multilingual packaging), and somehow someone at the company found the time to punch numbers into a calculator (that cost 1 euro) in advance, just to tell people how much they are actually paying.

It is all nothing but one giant marketing scam. It makes prices look lower, which is dishonest. A great way to make people feel they are paying less, but the rest of the price gets added the moment you hand over your money. That is a huge part of…

6Cheesy, aggressive marketing

I want to gouge my eyes out with toothpicks every time I am forced to sit through American commercials. Just stop it already!

Most Americans do not even notice: the ads run so often on TV that by now they are nothing but background noise. And that means advertisers have to keep coming up with more and more to get through to them, even though, under the CALM Act, US broadcasters are not allowed to make the average volume of commercials louder than the surrounding program. It is a vicious circle that drives every non-American who is not used to it crazy. To me, this vicious circle also partly explains why so many Americans are so loud: if ads are constantly shouting at you, sooner or later you get used to that volume.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

One evening I decided to watch an episode of House on cable TV. Until then, I had really only watched American TV shows either online without ads or in Europe, with European ads at regular, predictable intervals...

Oh. My. God.

Every few minutes you get yanked out of the show, so abruptly that at first the commercial actually seems like it could be part of the show (in Europe there is an animation announcing the break or the intro, or something else telling viewers a break is coming). Next you get bombarded with irrelevant spam and “awesome” images of people practically having orgasms over buying product X (available only now, at a special price, of course!). And if it is anything medical, someone reads out a super-fast list of every ailment you can imagine that might show up as a side effect. But at least the cheesy model is happy, so it probably does not matter much.

And that is the thing: Americans are marketing geniuses. Nobody can ever deny that. Every time I went out to buy a carton of milk, something unfamiliar in the supermarket would lure me towards some expensive junk I did not need. I almost bought that junk, or I did buy it and felt like a total idiot walking out of the store.

In Las Vegas, the design of the casinos shows you just how skillfully they manipulate people. No windows, no clocks, exits that are hard to find, no way to get where you want to go without walking past rows of slot machines. The machines themselves have plenty of flashing lights and upbeat music to draw customers in. You feel hypnotized. They know exactly what they are doing, and they have billions of dollars to prove it.

Still, it is manipulation, and for those of us who are not used to all the noise, it is just cheesy. Every corner of the USA is plastered with some kind of advertising or sponsorship, and I now feel so content to have left the country. No more random robocalls on every landline (including hotels I was paying for) trying to sell me something, and no more flyers stuffing my mailbox.

7Wasteful consumerism

Some consumerism is hard to avoid when you are surrounded by ads around the clock, but sometimes people only have themselves to blame for being so wasteful.

By far the best example I can think of is the whole Apple craze. So many Americans waste so much money on owning the latest iPhone or MacBook. Buying one is all well and good (I like Apple products myself), and there are plenty of reasons why it might be the better choice; I need an iPad anyway for my technical work with certain apps. I like having a good smartphone and a good laptop too, and in the end I am a consumer just like you, if you happen to own an Apple.

The problem only starts when you replace your iPhone 7 with an iPhone 8 for no reason, along with a herd of millions of other sheep. That is pointless, wasteful consumerism at its finest.

I took advantage of that a few years ago when I lived in Austin and only the original iPad was on the market. I waited until the iPad 2 was announced and, as expected, every minute there were 20 new Craigslist ads in the city alone from desperate fanboys trying to sell their iPad 1. I talked one guy into selling me his, with a Bluetooth keyboard case, for a quarter of the original price, just two months after he had bought it! He was that desperate for the newest version, which was a tiny bit thinner and faster and had a camera that made you look like a complete idiot when you pointed the iPad at something, but was otherwise exactly the same.

Personally, I only replace my smartphone when it wears out and breaks, or when I accidentally drop it in the ocean, and so on. I am a consumer too, and now and then I buy things I do not need, but replacing something I already have with something only slightly better is something I will never understand.

What makes it even worse is that these people sometimes claim they do not have much money, and Apple products end up on their list of “necessities”. The smart aleck I bought my iPad from sighed when I told him what I do for a living and how often I travel for work. He said he wished he had the money to travel. I wished he had the common sense to see that he would have plenty of money left over if he stopped wasting it.

8Heritage

Every American you meet is not actually American. They are a quarter Polish, 3/17 Italian, ten other random countries and then, of course, half German. Because Germany is more homogeneous, it is hard for me to appreciate that, so, to be honest, I really could not care less whether your great-great-grandfather had a dog groomer whose roommate came from Germany. I just do not care.

The sheer number of people who said “Oh my GOD, me too!!” whenever I mentioned I was from Germany was simply ridiculous. I use nationality adjectives a bit more narrowly than Americans do, so it was always a little pet peeve of mine. I finally learned that “I am from Germany” conveys what I meant better than “I am German.”

I am not saying I do not respect other people's heritage (a colorful mix makes a country more interesting), but when people start talking as if it were genetic, as if their Italian roots make them more passionate and their Irish roots make them better drinkers, I really have to roll my eyes.

I should add, though, that it comes down to usage: as I understand it, “German” here really means “German-American”. That is all well and good, but my point is that people who actually come from that country (born and raised there) find it annoying. Neither is right or wrong, but it is worth realizing that it may be more appropriate to rephrase it as “I have German ancestors” when you are talking to someone from that country. That goes double if you speak other languages.

9ID checks and silly alcohol laws

Seriously. I promise I am not twelve. “Please let me into the club!” I have even seen 60-year-olds asked for ID. Nowhere else in the world am I asked to show ID, now that I am in my early 40s. Sometimes I did not have my passport in my pocket (the most important document I own, and one I do not want to spill beer on) and I was simply refused entry.

I find it incredible that you can only drink from age 21, yet 16-year-olds get driver's licenses and you can buy a rifle at 18. In most states you are not allowed to walk around outside with alcohol (but if you carry it in a brown paper bag while drinking it, that is fine). I think these laws make no sense.

10Big corporations win every time, small businesses don't

There are many arguments against having only a small group of big corporations competing with each other, but my biggest concern has to do with availability.

If you get all your food from Walmart and Whole Foods and nowhere else, those places grow, and most of them are long drives apart. So what is left in between? A desert.

One day I was in downtown Chicago and just wanted to buy something to eat, but after walking around for an hour, the only affordable option was Dunkin' Donuts. There are plenty of cheap places to eat in Chicago, but you have to drive there, or be in a particular neighborhood with lots of restaurants (and know about it in advance). There is simply too much competition between the big corporations for smaller businesses to spread comfortably through cities.

Drop me in any random big European city, though, and I will find something to eat within minutes. Do the same in the USA, even downtown, as long as it is not a restaurant district and I have no phone and no car, and I will starve. And that is one of the main factors behind one of my biggest problems in the USA :(

11A country designed for cars, not people

The USA is a terrible place for pedestrians. It is the worst place in the world to live if you do not own a car.

My first trips to the USA were pretty tough. I relied the whole time on public transport (which is at least usable in certain big cities, but in my view never reaches the standard of an industrialized country) or on a friend I had at the time. In most cities you simply can't do anything without a car. With a few exceptions (San Francisco or New York, for example), all the shops, affordable restaurants, supermarkets, electronics stores and so on are miles apart.

I really like Austin, but I found it ridiculous that it was rated one of the most "walkable" cities in the USA. I lived just outside downtown, still within walking distance, yet a whole stretch of my route had no sidewalk. Downtown itself was walkable, but most people lived just outside it and had to drive in.

What struck me as eeriest was how alone I felt walking around any American city. Often I was the only pedestrian on the entire block, even in the middle of downtown on a weekday! The whole country is built around getting in the car, driving to your destination and getting out. No strolling.

Wandering around hoping to stumble on something to eat (as I would in any European city) was a terrible idea every single time, unless you checked Yelp first.

On my more recent visits I actually rented a car for most of my stay, and everything was far more convenient, but I honestly felt like I was only using my feet for the gas pedal.

12Always in a hurry.

So much in the USA is far too rushed for my taste. Fast food is everywhere in the world by now. But even in a fancy restaurant your food arrives less than five minutes after you order! What's the hurry? People don't seem to have the patience to invest time in making things better unless it involves investing money.

Americans are also very punctual, because time is money, of course. So many of them would benefit from simply enjoying life and being late now and then because they took their time.

 Despite all the fake positivity, I find Americans the most stressed and the unhappiest people on earth. Despite all their resources and all their money, they are sadder than people I know who barely make ends meet but still know how to live in the moment.

This rush to the finish line, to a million dollars in the bank or to the next promotion, and the way it dictates their whole lives, I find sad.

13Obsessed with money

I've met far too many people who care more about their bank balance than their own quality of life. These were people richer than I could ever imagine, yet they were depressed. More money seems to be the only way they know to solve problems.

They don't travel because they think it takes tens of thousands of dollars (which simply isn't true), and they don't enjoy the day because they might miss a business opportunity.

No goal is ever big enough: more wealth, more fame, more power. That's human nature, and of course you find it in every country on earth, but I think the USA amplifies it much further, until for some it becomes the purpose of life and the top priority. For me, this attitude that more is always better shapes the American mindset more than any smile, however wide.

14Unhealthy portions

Apart from the fact that nobody talks honestly with overweight people, the biggest problem is that restaurant portions are far too generous. Every time I ordered even a small portion, I was completely full afterwards. Small means something completely different to me than it does to Americans. Sit down almost anywhere and order anything other than a starter or a salad, and you get more than you should.

Growing up, I was constantly reminded of starving children in Africa, so I feel guilty if I don't clear my plate. That was disastrous during the few months I spent in the States, when I put on a LOT of weight! I should have asked for a "doggy bag" almost every time.

I've learned to stop ordering soda, because when restaurants offer free refills, I think I'm supposed to drink more... after all, it's free. Yuck!

15A distorted view of the world & American exceptionalism

Last of all, one thing that gets on my nerves is this distorted view of America's place in the world. Americans constantly ask me whether I'm afraid to travel in Europe. I found walking around certain parts of downtown San Francisco or Chicago at night far scarier than anything in the "shady" parts of London or Berlin, because there at least there are people on the street.

And I find it pretty scary to be in a country where practically anyone can legally buy a handgun.

America has a skewed view of itself as the "land of the free", and it certainly was... 200 years ago, compared with other Western countries at the time (forgetting, of course, the problems that were everywhere, such as no freedom for certain races and genders). But today most of Western Europe is just as free, if not freer, and offers opportunities to people at every level. America is indeed a better place with a higher standard of living than most other countries, but across the Western world, free speech and tolerance for all are usually the norm, and not just in the USA.

There is no best country. But the people who keep going on about America being number one are usually the ones who have never, or hardly ever, traveled outside the USA.

How about saying America is great, or even "awesome"? I think patriotism is a wonderful quality, and we should all be proud of where we were born.

But nationalism (the belief that other countries are inferior) is a terrible quality.

If you still fancy America after this rant (or even more so now), our Life in the USA section shows the bright side too, including a cost of living comparison and pieces on what a move does to your nerves.

In short

• A tongue-in-cheek rant, written after many years in the USA, and explicitly not about politics or the economy, but about everyday life.
• Touchiness, the endless "awesome" and a smile that means nothing make dealing with people tiring.
• Tipping, prices without tax, aggressive marketing and consumer frenzy cost nerves and money.
• Add ID checks, big corporations, a country built for cars instead of people, the rush, money and giant portions.
• And finally, American exceptionalism: patriotism yes, nationalism no.

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